I'm going to make it SUPER long for you guys cause i'm so lazy with updating this blog....(I'm kidding ~ but it will be long cause of the script xP) ~ but if you hang on long enough, there will be drawings and art at the end of this blog entry xD
I've showen a few of the lecturer's and the only comment i've gotten back so far is :
"The girl's character seems underdeveloped. Her speech is un-natural"
And Because that's the only real feedback i've gotten at the moment, i thought i would post the story and get more feedback before going back and changing the script.
Its part of a bigger animation - i've decided I want to do a small part of something that could be bigger.
Also, I'm not really sure how to end it ~ so any ideas would be greatly appreciated =D
So here it is ~
"
Original Spark of Inspiration:
“crashes through time”
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Setting - A cathedral hallway.
The hallway has a red carpet running down the middle of it
and a cupboard/table half way down the hallway, on the left.
On top of the cupboard/table there is a pile of paper and on top of the paper is a cup of tea.
On top of the cupboard/table there is a pile of paper and on top of the paper is a cup of tea.
The wall that she is laying against is covered in vines and moss.
And at the end of the hallway we see a tree trunk, indicating a large tree.
In the background we hear a slight sound of a waterfall but we only see mist.
(Image 2 - tea onto of paper)
(Image 3 - Lighting example)
1. INT. Cathedral Hallway. Morning 1.
Fade in from black
C/U of the girl re-gaining consciousness, laying against the cathedral hallway covered in vines.
Main Light source (God rays) is coming from the windows on the left, behind the girl, lining her in a ring of light.
Secondary light is in front of her, so her face is not just a silhouette (see Image 3 for lighting example).
As the girl regains consciousness we see her expression as she reacts to the world around her, she clutches at a locket around her neck
Cut to
Image 3 - Lighting example (ring of light behind the character)
The girl gets up (while not in focus) --> (now in focus) reacts in confusion and astonishment before she starts walking towards the tree at the end of the hallway – letting go of the locket.
As she walks away from the camera, towards the tree, the camera goes diagonally (to the right) down but the girl remains the center point (therefore we are now looking up towards her, but we still see the cupboard)
2. INT. Cathedral Hallway. Morning 2.
When she comes to a halt, looking up at the tree,
Cut to
M/S of the girl, again using rule of thirds, so we can focus pull to see the cupboard door open.
We see the head of the Guardian come out and look around – realizing someone is there he tries to climb out quietly - he falls over with his hands stretch out in front of him (half in the cupboard and half out)
Due to the noise the girl turns around to look.
Figure 4 - cupboard example
‘Guardian’ is standing facing the cupboard, picks up the tea in his left hand and a few pieces of paper in the other hand. All the while taking quick side glances to see if she’s still looking or if she’s gone.
He takes a sip of tea,
Guardian
In an awkward tone (as if to break the silence)
bleh – it’s cold
As he puts down the tea, the girl steps forward
Girl
Also in a awkward, shy tone
Uhm, Excuse me..
The Guardian, glances at her quickly before grabbing the remaining papers and walking away in haste (as to avoid confrontation with the girl). She gives chase.
Girl
Wait! Please wait! I’m search for the eye of Gyron!
The Guardian comes to a sudden stop.
Cut to
A XCU of the Guardian’s mouth – as he grins
Cut to
OTS as we watch the Guardian turns around to meet the girl.
Guardian
In a overly-friendly way (suggesting he’s up to something)
Oh my,
I’m terribly sorry my dear,
I didn’t notice you were there.
Cut to W/S side (see both actors)
Girl
Confused, suspicious and a bit insecure(hesitant)
But when you fell over you saw me…
She’s cut off by the sound of the cupboard door closing, she jumps in surprise of the unexpected noise.
Cuts to OTS to see the guardian looking past the girl
Zooms out so that the cupboard is also in view, we see new pieces of paper have been placed there.
Guardian
Overly exaggerated and waving the old pieces of paper in his hands up and down
I only JUST got the old ones.
How is it even possible that there’s more?!
How is it even possible that there’s more?!
He by-passes the girl and walks towards the cupboard
Guardian
Still exaggerating – and flopping over the cupboard
And they forgot my tea! First a cold one and now none!
~ ahh I can tell today is going to be a bad day
~ ahh I can tell today is going to be a bad day
Confused the girl slowly walks towards the guardian and notices the badge on the shoulder of his sleeve (a flaming sword)
Girl
Say, are you by any chance ‘the Guardian’?
Guardian
Stands up and Starts looking through the paper’s with seemingly No particular reaction to the question
Maybe. Maybe not.
Girl
Dissatisfied with the reply
Hmm…They say that the Guardian doesn’t want to be found.
Guardian
Still not interested
Is that so?
reacting to what’s on the paper;
WHAT?! Do I look like your personal messenger?!
Do it yourself!
Scrunches’ up the piece of paper and throws in away.
Girl
Ignoring his tantrum
So what’s your reason?
Guardian
Reason?
Girl
For not wanting to be found?
Guardian
Sighs out of irritation (from all the accumulated incidents … + no tea)
Gather’s his composure, opens the doors to the cupboard
Turns to look at her while climbing into the cupboard. Just before shutting the doors;
My dear, whatever made you think,
that I don’t want to be found.
Now, if you don’t mind, I have things to do.
He shuts the door, she rushes to re-open the door but when she does he’s gone??
Or
Cut to a shot inside the cupboard (OTS) and the doors shut??
Or
P.O.V shot (of the girl) as we watch the cupboard doors close??
"
The end =D ~!
Well, sort of =P
I originally wanted to do Live action with CGI,
but I think now, I'll do 3D animation
as for characters, i haven't got a definite idea yet, but I've been playing around with some silhouette's and drawings i did earlier in the year.
I don't really like any of them yet, because I feel like I don't have a 'style' in my head, for the characters. So their coming out a bit hazy ~ I need to find inspiration first for what sort of style I should do this animation in ~
But here is what I've done so far :
These are both drawings that I did before starting this year's study ~
I feel like, I want the Guardian to be a Gaudy, seemingly self-centred character (Like the classic archetype of the trickster) so i felt like these are good starting points.
These are some silhouette's that came out of the two sketches. But I'm still not very happy with any of them -
Anyway, thats all for now ~
Until next time,
~ Ariane
First of all -Ariane I love this script it is so much fun and it feels very you as well (plus it's fantasy =pure awesome!)Secondly I'm going to hand you a bucketload of critique which I hope will help - these are suggestions so ignore them at will obviously I'm biased and I will have completely different ideas to you but here they are:
ReplyDelete---
I agree with the part about the girl's dialogue. I think the same goes for the Guardian in some parts, though in others you pick lines that absolutely suit him (my favourite is his infuriating answer : "maybe. Maybe not" suits him perfectly. (I'll just print a copy and circle the odd lines if you want but here are a few):
"but when you fell over you saw me" -we already know he saw her, so it has already been explained. Don't "tell" if you can "show through action, which you already have ;)
"first a cold one and now none"/"could tell it's a bad day"- restyle this to suit your awesome guardian! He feels a bit like a teenager using a cliche. Perhaps "I can tell this is going to be a devil of a day" (play on his angelic-ness) or something more like him :)
“Say are you by chance the guardian?” – this is another one. She might have that style of speech, but i think you could reveal his guardian-status in a way that doesn't hand it to us on a platter. e.g. (she sees the badge/mumbling to self) “A flaming sword…” (to him) “Are you by chance… the guardian?".
Or perhaps the guardian and her should talk ambiguously; they both talk as if he isn’t the guardian, even though they both know he is e.g.
“so what is (his) reason”
Reason?
For not wanting to be found.
Curiously) My dear whatever makes you think he) doesn’t want to be found?
And lastly:
"Do I look like your personal messenger?! Do it yourself!” –too cliché – find another phrase for “do it yourself” e.g. do I look like the king’s messenger – do it yourself you lazy pigfarmer. (or however to suit him xp)
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Also there’s a book I’ll lend you from Tafe that has lots of hits on dialogue for films/ short films :)
ReplyDeleteMain things it says I think you can think on:
Define the two different characters through their speech. They speak as differently as their personalities are. How do they see the world differently? What emotions/thoughts dominate their character? These change how they speak/interact with the world/each other differently.
Also perhaps think on whether the order of lines can be swapped around –does she ask him if he is the guardian and then he runs, instead of just running away first?
-Keep the audience hungry for dialogue, only use it when you can’t show something visually.
Next-to-lastly :the first and last lines are what will sell your story. Keep them powerful and original – they are the ones that capture us and then leave us with your message/point of the short film.
A thought on the ending dialogue:
(tired/cheeky grin) Now if you’ll excuse me I have things to do. People to see, tea to drink. Toodle pip my dear. (our last image of the guardian is his quirky, intriguing personality)
(climbs into cupboard- then a last word before he closes the door.) Oh and here’s a little message from “the guardian”: (insert riddle/threat here about the eye of Gyron so that we are intrigued and want to find out more about this adventure!).
Err and one more post... (i broke it up so it wasn't too overwhelmingly supermassive in one xp)
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Things to think on
-why is the guardian leaving? –he needs an excuse to leav, even though its obviously because he wants to escape from her. A meeting?
-why does he want to escape from her? Is she annoying/wasting his time? Is he not allowed to tell her what she needs to know? Is the eye of gyron a forbidden topic? Tabbo?
- what tells us visually that he is the guardian? (his worry/paperwork? His badge? These are as important as the dialogue that tells us he is the guardian.
-what tells us she is on a quest? Same thing -does she have a note saying "find this" or a picture of the eye? or a phrase in her head that mentions it? or does she see its image carved in the cathedral walls and remembers it?
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Maybe imagine your short as part of your film as a series? Like manga or cartoons are a story within a greater story. Each is fully developed (or should be xp)
I know this is just an extract from a much larger piece but I can’t help but feel it is a mini story within the bigger and hence needs a beginning/mid/end. It is just too awesome not to have them so please do! Xp
Anyway, just my thoughts, hope I didn’t bombard you xp My super massive post should make up for lack of critique lol
amazing xD Thank you so much ~ i will work on it and post it when I'm done =P
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